Tuesday, January 31, 2006


1. The number of times you had to hear Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" before you realized you never, EVER wanted to hear that stupid song again is:

A) Once
B) Once
C) Once
D) 1,438...naaah, once

2. If bad songs were punishable by death, Elton John would have:
A) Been burnt at the stake for "Philadelphia Freedom"
B) Impaled on a stake for "Island Girl"
C) Force-fed steak until he died for that stupid "Caribou" album
D) Had Bernie Taupin nailed up for everything after "Honky Chateau"
E) Been passed over for Ronnie Van Zandt for writing that stupid "Free Bird" song

3. Now that Kate Bush has finally put out an album after 12 years, her next album will be released:
A) About six years after Jesus comes back
B) About six years after Jesus makes an album
C) When she finds Jesus hiding under her piano and writes an opera about it
D) When she needs to pay for her kid's obvious upcoming orthodontia
E) When she's talked into covering "Free Bird"

4. If I went to hell and was forced to listen to one song over and over forever, it would be:
A) Billy, Don't Be A Hero
B) The Night Chicago Died
C) Run, Joey Run
E) Free Bird

5. You know, Tom, you're right...that "Free Bird" really:
A) Sucks
B) Blows
C) Causes instant constipation
D) Ought to be kept off the airwaves because this is now TOMLAND and Tom says take it off
E) Really, REALLY sucks.


I had one of the acts that was booked for the Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus (of which I am both host and talent wrangler) decide they didn't want to do it...AFTER stuff got printed up saying they were one of the featured acts. Doncha just love artists?

BTW, I'm still looking for interesting erotic poets, musicians or performers for the Feb 24th show. Get ahold of me quick.


This is for the Daystar people, and you know who you are: I'm trying to set up a trip to the hot springs in Tonopah on Saturday, Feb. 18, for the LATE AFTERNOON. I have to do something with my kids earlier in the day, and Pete and Donna have both mentioned how much fun it is to watch the sun go down and soak at the same time, so I thought we'd do a late-afternoon thing. Let me know if you're in!


Thursday, January 26, 2006


The new Lark in the Morning Catalogue came in the mail yesterday; favorite new made-up word: BASSGURDY!


I have long been of the opinion that everybody worries too much. But that's how you get elected. I don't know where you stand on Justice Alito and whether his presence on the board will sway the rights to an abortion one way or the other. But somebody asked me where I stood on this and so here's what I think:

As far as abortion goes, I'm never getting one.

Now, since I'm never getting one, what I think, in fact what any male thinks, should be a matter of opinion and nothing else. This is truly one situation where, if you were to have a vote, only women should vote on it. It's their bodies.

Now, if you really want to know where I stand on abortion, I'm pro choice. I mean, let's say you NEED one. Kid gets stuck the tubes and you're gonna explode if you don't get it out of there. That's a medical procedure, fer sure. And I'm inclined to say that it's a medical procedure even if it's NOT an emergency, up until the time that the kid could survive a preemie birth, which puts me in line with Roe V. Wade, which said that under three months, it's up to you.

Once the kid can survive on its own -- and again, I'm merely stating my opinion -- I would rather the kid had a chance to show up and make something of himself. But that wouldn't stop me from telling any pregnant friend of mine who's considering an abortion to do what they want to do, because it's NOT MY BODY. Now, if it were my sperm, I'd probably try to talk her out of it but repsect her decision anyway.

Isn't that what Roe V. Wade accomplishes? What could possibly be wrong with that?

Last word on this goes to my mom. She was raised and still is a Catholic, and we all know what the Church thinks about abortion. But that doesn't mean that that's what the SHEEP think about abortion. Some years ago I asked her where she stood on this issue and she said, "Well, I know I could never do it. But then I've never been a pregnant 14-year-old crack whore."

Well said, Mom!


I played at the songwriter's gathering last weekend to a pretty nice crowd! Amazing for a ten-minute gig! Nancy Freeman has a cool new song, by the way. (Thanks for the Fiji boat, Nan!)


Looks like I'm shooting my own cover for the CD.


Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Yes, that's right, you heard right; all recording, mixing, fussing and feuding over the CD is completed. Now I just have to get the damn cover designed.

It sounds great, if I do say so myself; and everybody's saying how they can't wait to hear it. Which is strange since I've now heard it about 1,000 and really don't care to hear it again, but I guess that's why they say songwriters never listen to their albums. Or why directors never watch their own films.

Although I will admit that when I listened to the final mix (the fourth "final" mix, by the way), a couple of songs just cracked me up big time; the music seems to work with the lyrics really well on this one.


I will be appearing at the Encanto Park songwriter's festival this Saturday to do my usual 10-minute slot at about 1:40. This is not to be confused with the Phoenix Folk Traditions Festival, held every year at Encanto in March. Come out and hear the best songwriters in Phoenix!


It's 37 degrees outside my office as I write this. For Phoenix, that's damn COLD!!!


My kid bought the Beavis and Butthead box set the other day. You know what? That show was damn funny. Stupid funny, but funny.


I'm hositng this year's Erotic Music and Poetry Fesitvus on Feb. 24 at Alwun House. I need entertainers. If you're erotic and entertaining, talk to me.


Monday, January 09, 2006



Actual news story:

Human error is to blame for an offensive link at Wal-Mart's Web site that recommended a film about Martin Luther King Jr. to potential buyers of a "Planet of the Apes" DVD, the retail company said Friday.

I just LOOOOOVE when shit happens to Wal-Mart...

I understand Michael Moore is making a movie about the company. That oughta be an eye-opener...


Wednesday, January 04, 2006


I cannot possibly imagine what it would be like to be trapped 260 feet BELOW THE GROUND, hoping against hope that they can dig you out before your oxygen goes bye bye and the CO makes you loopy and tired and then you "go to see Jesus," as Kinky Friedman and my boss are both fond of saying.

Being a musician, this news report had me thinking about coal mine songs. Songs that most people know, that describe what it's like to work in that awful business, such as "16 Tons," or "New York Mining Disaster 1941" by the Bee Gees (which, by the way, is based on a totally made-up event) or Merle Travis's "Dark As A Dungeon":

Come and listen, you fellers so young and so fine
And seek not your fortune in a dark dreary mine
It'll form as a habit and seep in your soul
Till the stream of your blood runs as black as the coal

Where it's dark as a dungeon and damp as the dew
The danger is double and the pleasures are few
Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines
It's a dark as a dungeon way down in the mine

Well it's many a man that I've seen in my day
Who lived just to labor his whole life away
Like a fiend with his dope and a drunkard his wine
A man will have lust for the lure of the mine

I pray when I'm dead and the ages shall roll
That my body will blacken and turn into coal
Then I'll look from the door of my heavenly home
and pity the miner digging my bones


And yes, because I'm a sick guy I've been fighting the urge to hum "Workin' in a Coal Mine" by Lee Dorsey and "Timothy" by the Buoys for the last few days. I'd apologize but you've probably got those songs in your head, too.

My CD is now in the final mastering stage. I'm trying to get a decent bass level on the songs. One more pass and we should have it. I also have a designer lined up for the cover, which is good.

Stay tuned.


It's official: I am the official ringleader/ringmaster/herder/gatherer/host/whatever for Alwun House's annual Erotic Poetry and Music Festivus, Feb. 24. More details as I clear them with the Alwun boys.


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