Monday, November 15, 2004
Last week, after what seems like years of hearing about the damn thing, an IKEA store opened up in Tempe.
For those of you who may be reading this and don't know what that is, or for those who've been creating traffic jams in Tempe just from trying to see what the hell it is, let me help.
I went to an IKEA in Virginia this summer because I had to pee.
Brace yourself -- this may ruin it for you, but...
IT'S A FUCKING FURNITURE STORE! IT'S FULL OF CHEAP, SCANDINAVIAN CRAP FURNITURE THAT BREAKS THE SECOND TIME YOUR KID JUMPS ON IT! ITS ONLY REDEEMING QUALITY IS THAT THE SAME CHEAP SCANDINAVIAN CRAP FURNITURE GETS SOLD AT PLACES LIKE COPENHAGEN IN PHOENIX WHERE THEY CHARGE SOME UNGODLY AMOUNT FOR CHEAP SCANDINAVIAN CRAP FURNITURE! STOP CLOGGING THE FREEWAY WITH ACCIDENTS! IT'S A FURNITURE STORE, IT'S A FURNITURE STORE, IT'S A FURNITURE STORE. GOT IT?
Phew. Sorry. I just don't give a rat's ass.
They don't even have the balls to run their European commercials over here. I won't go there until they air the spot where the middle-aged woman, wearing little more than thigh-high shitwalker boots and brandishing a pitchfork, chases her husband around the house. He's naked except for a piggy mask, and he's squealing like a pig. Their daughter and her boyfriend walk in on them and catch them. The parents start laughing, and over the faces of the startled teens, a super appears: "Time to move out? IKEA."
You will NEVER see this ad over here. So I will never go to IKEA.
Unless they start selling guitars. But they won't because it'll be that crappy, shitty-sounding Korean Samick stuff.
--------
I have friends who are suffering from bad cases of GAS:
Guitar Acquisition Syndrome.
Just last thursday a guy comes in to Fidds with a brand new Takoma with the flat-finish top and acoustic hole on the upper right side of the body instead of in the center. I asked him why he bought it and he said, "I just had to."
This man has GAS.
I guess that means I have BIAS: Bizarre Instrument Acquisition Syndrome.
I certainly do.
TT
For those of you who may be reading this and don't know what that is, or for those who've been creating traffic jams in Tempe just from trying to see what the hell it is, let me help.
I went to an IKEA in Virginia this summer because I had to pee.
Brace yourself -- this may ruin it for you, but...
IT'S A FUCKING FURNITURE STORE! IT'S FULL OF CHEAP, SCANDINAVIAN CRAP FURNITURE THAT BREAKS THE SECOND TIME YOUR KID JUMPS ON IT! ITS ONLY REDEEMING QUALITY IS THAT THE SAME CHEAP SCANDINAVIAN CRAP FURNITURE GETS SOLD AT PLACES LIKE COPENHAGEN IN PHOENIX WHERE THEY CHARGE SOME UNGODLY AMOUNT FOR CHEAP SCANDINAVIAN CRAP FURNITURE! STOP CLOGGING THE FREEWAY WITH ACCIDENTS! IT'S A FURNITURE STORE, IT'S A FURNITURE STORE, IT'S A FURNITURE STORE. GOT IT?
Phew. Sorry. I just don't give a rat's ass.
They don't even have the balls to run their European commercials over here. I won't go there until they air the spot where the middle-aged woman, wearing little more than thigh-high shitwalker boots and brandishing a pitchfork, chases her husband around the house. He's naked except for a piggy mask, and he's squealing like a pig. Their daughter and her boyfriend walk in on them and catch them. The parents start laughing, and over the faces of the startled teens, a super appears: "Time to move out? IKEA."
You will NEVER see this ad over here. So I will never go to IKEA.
Unless they start selling guitars. But they won't because it'll be that crappy, shitty-sounding Korean Samick stuff.
--------
I have friends who are suffering from bad cases of GAS:
Guitar Acquisition Syndrome.
Just last thursday a guy comes in to Fidds with a brand new Takoma with the flat-finish top and acoustic hole on the upper right side of the body instead of in the center. I asked him why he bought it and he said, "I just had to."
This man has GAS.
I guess that means I have BIAS: Bizarre Instrument Acquisition Syndrome.
I certainly do.
TT
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