Monday, May 16, 2005
Well, here it is, May once again, which I was reminded from something I read is recognized at National Masturbation Month.
I'm presuming by "masturbation," they mean "manual manipulation of the genitals" and not
"Tell the public anything and see how they buy it," which is what we're getting from our government and now Newsweek magazine, which has "retracted" its story about Guantanamo guards flushing a koran down the loo.
Personally, I think masturbation is a good thing. There are some nights (mornings, afternoons, tea times, whatever) when you either don't have a partner, or your partner is asleep or not interested or gone or you name it, when you just NEED to get your rocks off. Be they male or female rocks. Up in San Francisco, they even have masturbation fundraisers during the month of May, where you pay to go to a club and masturbate in the room of your choice with other twiddlers: male/female, male/male, or female/female.
I also know that in this great big world of ours, there are groups of people who hold what are called "Jack-and-Jill-off" parties (clever, eh?), where people bring their lubes and toys, socialize for a while, then strip down, pop in a porno and basically get off by watching each other get off.
Why do I not know any of these people? I would do this in a nanosecond.
Jan and I were having a discussion about this the other night and we determined that among our closest group of friends (which numbers about 20), I might -- MIGHT -- find two other people who would attend such an affair. (She, however, would not be one of them, except maybe to serve as tissue caddy.) Even more bizarre, of these three people, I would be the only male member (sorry) of this group. Which when you think about it is sort of the opposite of what you might expect. Guys are usually pretty gung ho about anything sexual like that, where women usually have to be persuaded. But then, we know some VERY interesting people.
It's not like our closest group of friends haven't seen each other naked. We've had massage nights, jacuzzi soaks, body painting parties, you name it. But sitting down for a nice friendly pud puller? Even imagining most of my friends in such a situation is an erotic fantasy that would cause even Phillip Jose Farmer to say, "Oh, COME ON!"
What do you serve at a masturbation party? I would imagine Cheetos are out. Or anything else that might stick to your hands. Some protein, I guess -- meat or beans? I suppose some alcoholic libations might be in order, simply to get people a little loose and make the jokes better when you start MST3King the porno, which in my group would probably start before the DVD was even put in the player.
Before you start the main event, should there be games? Ring toss? Ping pong ball shooting?
So many things to worry about.
Then there's the porn itself. What do you rent? I'm a guy; I like pretty much anything you can find in a porno. (I am even secure enough in my manhood to sit through the rare, but nonetheless occasional male/male scenes in a mixed sex movie.) But what about my co-rubbites? What if they don't want lesbian scenes? You don't want to be reaching for the remote with a lubricated hand to fast forward through the only part in the movie that you rented the DVD for in the first place. So I guess all participants would have to go to the rental store together to determine what to get.
Then there's determining limits. From what I've been able to read about this sort of thing, the idea of a masturbation party is to keep the sex SAFE. So your masturbation party should not turn into an orgy of intercourse. What you determine to be masturbation of course is a field with interpretations of Bill-Clintonian proportions. If your hand gets tired of holding your vibrator, can you call in a friend for help? Can friend use his/her hand on your holy temple of twiddle? What if you have really short arms and you just can't REACH down there? Is it proper to call in the troops to help? Is some oral manipulation okay? Obviously you have to set the parameters before getting down to business because when you're three-quarters up the stairway to heaven you're not going to be responsible for anything you say. Think about it. If you're working up to the point of no return, I could turn to you and say, "Would you like a musk ox to tantalize your tunnel with his tongue while tackling your taxes with his teeth?" and you would say, "OH, YESSS! GOD YESSS!" Of course, not really having any idea what I just said or what you're talking about.
Another thing: How much of the carpet/floor/furniture/chandelier/ceiling/shingles should you cover with a sheet? More women than ever are figuring out how to have those G-spot ejaculatory orgasms, the force of which can sometimes knock over the milk bottles at a state fair game booth.
Well, regardless of whether you do it alone or with your good friends, I wish you happy masturbation month. If you're having a party, invite me! I promise not to bring Cheetos.
Oh, one more aside, as a matter of public safety:
I give massages to people. Most avoid happy town, but there are times when "full-body massage" means exactly that. When the subject is female, it is a good idea to use a water-soluble, silicon-based lubricant rather than a vegetable-based one on sensitive areas. (On a guy, you can use whatever you want, short of Pennzoil.)
Now, let me stress -- AND I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH -- under NO circumstances, NONE, should you ever use a water-soluble silicon-based lubricant to massage somebody's feet. I speak from personal experience. This stuff is major slippery. Lots of fun in the right areas. But on the bottom of your feet, application of this stuff is going to make you the unintentional subject of the finest slapstick performance your friends and family will ever see.
One night, my feet hurt. So I grabbed above mentioned lubricant -- not thinking about the possible consequences, and rubbed it into my feet as best I could. When it didn't really go in, but rather made my soles rather slippy, I put on some socks, thinking this would give me traction on the Pergo.
HAH HAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I skated across the kitchen like a bad Chaplin movie. The dog looked me like, "what the hell are you doing?" And Jan still kids me about it.
Just a word of warning. Happy wanking.
TT
I'm presuming by "masturbation," they mean "manual manipulation of the genitals" and not
"Tell the public anything and see how they buy it," which is what we're getting from our government and now Newsweek magazine, which has "retracted" its story about Guantanamo guards flushing a koran down the loo.
Personally, I think masturbation is a good thing. There are some nights (mornings, afternoons, tea times, whatever) when you either don't have a partner, or your partner is asleep or not interested or gone or you name it, when you just NEED to get your rocks off. Be they male or female rocks. Up in San Francisco, they even have masturbation fundraisers during the month of May, where you pay to go to a club and masturbate in the room of your choice with other twiddlers: male/female, male/male, or female/female.
I also know that in this great big world of ours, there are groups of people who hold what are called "Jack-and-Jill-off" parties (clever, eh?), where people bring their lubes and toys, socialize for a while, then strip down, pop in a porno and basically get off by watching each other get off.
Why do I not know any of these people? I would do this in a nanosecond.
Jan and I were having a discussion about this the other night and we determined that among our closest group of friends (which numbers about 20), I might -- MIGHT -- find two other people who would attend such an affair. (She, however, would not be one of them, except maybe to serve as tissue caddy.) Even more bizarre, of these three people, I would be the only male member (sorry) of this group. Which when you think about it is sort of the opposite of what you might expect. Guys are usually pretty gung ho about anything sexual like that, where women usually have to be persuaded. But then, we know some VERY interesting people.
It's not like our closest group of friends haven't seen each other naked. We've had massage nights, jacuzzi soaks, body painting parties, you name it. But sitting down for a nice friendly pud puller? Even imagining most of my friends in such a situation is an erotic fantasy that would cause even Phillip Jose Farmer to say, "Oh, COME ON!"
What do you serve at a masturbation party? I would imagine Cheetos are out. Or anything else that might stick to your hands. Some protein, I guess -- meat or beans? I suppose some alcoholic libations might be in order, simply to get people a little loose and make the jokes better when you start MST3King the porno, which in my group would probably start before the DVD was even put in the player.
Before you start the main event, should there be games? Ring toss? Ping pong ball shooting?
So many things to worry about.
Then there's the porn itself. What do you rent? I'm a guy; I like pretty much anything you can find in a porno. (I am even secure enough in my manhood to sit through the rare, but nonetheless occasional male/male scenes in a mixed sex movie.) But what about my co-rubbites? What if they don't want lesbian scenes? You don't want to be reaching for the remote with a lubricated hand to fast forward through the only part in the movie that you rented the DVD for in the first place. So I guess all participants would have to go to the rental store together to determine what to get.
Then there's determining limits. From what I've been able to read about this sort of thing, the idea of a masturbation party is to keep the sex SAFE. So your masturbation party should not turn into an orgy of intercourse. What you determine to be masturbation of course is a field with interpretations of Bill-Clintonian proportions. If your hand gets tired of holding your vibrator, can you call in a friend for help? Can friend use his/her hand on your holy temple of twiddle? What if you have really short arms and you just can't REACH down there? Is it proper to call in the troops to help? Is some oral manipulation okay? Obviously you have to set the parameters before getting down to business because when you're three-quarters up the stairway to heaven you're not going to be responsible for anything you say. Think about it. If you're working up to the point of no return, I could turn to you and say, "Would you like a musk ox to tantalize your tunnel with his tongue while tackling your taxes with his teeth?" and you would say, "OH, YESSS! GOD YESSS!" Of course, not really having any idea what I just said or what you're talking about.
Another thing: How much of the carpet/floor/furniture/chandelier/ceiling/shingles should you cover with a sheet? More women than ever are figuring out how to have those G-spot ejaculatory orgasms, the force of which can sometimes knock over the milk bottles at a state fair game booth.
Well, regardless of whether you do it alone or with your good friends, I wish you happy masturbation month. If you're having a party, invite me! I promise not to bring Cheetos.
Oh, one more aside, as a matter of public safety:
I give massages to people. Most avoid happy town, but there are times when "full-body massage" means exactly that. When the subject is female, it is a good idea to use a water-soluble, silicon-based lubricant rather than a vegetable-based one on sensitive areas. (On a guy, you can use whatever you want, short of Pennzoil.)
Now, let me stress -- AND I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH -- under NO circumstances, NONE, should you ever use a water-soluble silicon-based lubricant to massage somebody's feet. I speak from personal experience. This stuff is major slippery. Lots of fun in the right areas. But on the bottom of your feet, application of this stuff is going to make you the unintentional subject of the finest slapstick performance your friends and family will ever see.
One night, my feet hurt. So I grabbed above mentioned lubricant -- not thinking about the possible consequences, and rubbed it into my feet as best I could. When it didn't really go in, but rather made my soles rather slippy, I put on some socks, thinking this would give me traction on the Pergo.
HAH HAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I skated across the kitchen like a bad Chaplin movie. The dog looked me like, "what the hell are you doing?" And Jan still kids me about it.
Just a word of warning. Happy wanking.
TT
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