Tom Tuerff's Glob -- er, Blog, or something

You know what?

Some websites are just funny from the URL on down:

www.dogmassage.com

I guess this goes beyond "petting" the dog; but before I go and actually peruse the site, let's play.

You hang your shingle: Tom's Pet Massage.

You put up the table, you set out the oil, or whatever, and you wait.

Eventually, a dog walks in.

"Hi. Can I help you?"

Dog: Woof.

"Oh, you'd like a massage?"

Dog: Woof.

"Okay, if I could just get some information: Name?"

Dog: Woof.

"Address?"

Dog: Woof.

"All right Mr. Woof, if you could just hop up on the table please...oh, I'm sorry, Up, boy, up!"

Dog: WOOF! (He jumps up on the table.)

"Good boy. Now, does it hurt here?"

Dog: Woof.

"Here?"

Dog: Woof.

"Here?"

Dog: HOWWOWWOWOWWOWWOWOOOOO,,,

"Ah, THERE!"

etc. etc. etc.

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What if you got a degree doing bigger animals? How do you massage a horse? I mean, what if a MOOSE shows up? You gonna massage a moose? Not me.

Moossage Therapist. There's an idea!

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Could you imagine a cat masseur? How scratched up that sumbitch would be? Seeing as how most cats I've ever known are like "okay, you may caress me for two minutes...now GET THE F*!$ OFFA ME!"

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Hi! Is this Stumpy's Big Animal Massage?

Yep.

You do tigers?

Why do you think I'm called Stumpy?

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Enough of this. I'm playing Fiddler's Dream this Saturday with Steve Decker and Gavan Weiser, the latter of "One Foot in the Grave," the world's oldest punk band. Don't miss it.

TT