Wednesday, November 09, 2005
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IF I RE-WROTE THE MOVIES:
GONE WITH THE WIND
PRISSY: Lordy, we got to have a doctor! I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies!
SCARLETT: Oh, fer chrissakes, Prissy, don't give me that. How old are you?
PRISSY (stunned): Uh, 27?
SCARLETT: And how many slaves are on this plantation?
PRISSY: Well, a lot, I suppose...
SCARLETT: And in ALL THIS TIME, you've never seen a baby born?
PRISSY: Actually, no. I've been living up here at the house, Miss Scarlett. I'm as clueless as you are. Which is pretty hard to do.
SCARLETT: Shit! Well, how hard can this be? It's like nature, right? Let's just leave her alone and let her worry about it.
PRISSY: I dunno. Maybe we should do something to help the baby get out faster.
SCARLETT: Like what, Einstein?
PRISSY: Who?
SCARLETT: Forget it. What do you think we should do?
PRISSY: Well, the baby's got to come out the front, right?
SCARLETT: That is the usual direction, yes...
PRISSY: Well, maybe we could coax the baby out by whackin' mama's ass wit' a broom.
SCARLETT: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! Could be good for a laugh, though...
PRISSY: That's what I'm thinkin' too!
RHETT: (Enters with a confused look on his face) What's all that screaming?
SCARLETT: Whatsername's about to have her baby! Do you know how to...
RHETT: Don't look at me! Lordy, we got to have a doctor! I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies! Wait...I know--anybody got a broom?
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THE GODFATHER
VITO: You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding...
GUY: Well, yeah.
VITO: You ask me to kill a man I do not know...
GUY: No, I come to you on the day of your daughter's wedding because I'm the wedding photographer.
VITO: Huh?
GUY: Come on dad, gimme a smile for the camera...(BEGINS TAKING FLASH PHOTOS)...work with me, Vito, work with me! You're a pretty flower! A pretty flower! Perfect! Now tease me, baby, tease me...lil' pout, come on...oh, you are so CUTE! Joey, bring in the wind fan! Where's my stylist? There you are. Honey, I want Vito's hair to flow with the breeze, can you comb it out? Good...
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THE WIZARD OF OZ
WIZARD: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!
DOROTHY: Okay.
WIZARD: What?
DOROTHY: Fine. I won't pay any attention to you.
WIZARD: (Coming over) You're not going to pay any attention to me?
DOROTHY: Did you hear something, Scarecrow?
SCARECROW: Nope.
LION: Not a thing.
WIZARD: Okay, I AM the Wizard. You got me. I'll give you anything you want.
DOROTHY: I sure wish the Wizard would get here.
TIN MAN: Yeah. He sure had a big, floating head.
WIZARD: That was just a trick! I assure you that I am the Wizard of Oz!
TIN MAN: Did you say something, Scarecrow?
DOROTHY: This is boring. I killed a witch, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and now I desperately wanna get laid. Let's go. There's gotta be a bar in this town.
LION: We're with you. (THEY LEAVE, SINGING FRANK ZAPPA'S "THIS TOWN IS A SEALED TUNA SANDWICH")
WIZARD: But...I'm...the...wiz...DAMN IT! Why can I never make any FRIENDS!
TT
IF I RE-WROTE THE MOVIES:
GONE WITH THE WIND
PRISSY: Lordy, we got to have a doctor! I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies!
SCARLETT: Oh, fer chrissakes, Prissy, don't give me that. How old are you?
PRISSY (stunned): Uh, 27?
SCARLETT: And how many slaves are on this plantation?
PRISSY: Well, a lot, I suppose...
SCARLETT: And in ALL THIS TIME, you've never seen a baby born?
PRISSY: Actually, no. I've been living up here at the house, Miss Scarlett. I'm as clueless as you are. Which is pretty hard to do.
SCARLETT: Shit! Well, how hard can this be? It's like nature, right? Let's just leave her alone and let her worry about it.
PRISSY: I dunno. Maybe we should do something to help the baby get out faster.
SCARLETT: Like what, Einstein?
PRISSY: Who?
SCARLETT: Forget it. What do you think we should do?
PRISSY: Well, the baby's got to come out the front, right?
SCARLETT: That is the usual direction, yes...
PRISSY: Well, maybe we could coax the baby out by whackin' mama's ass wit' a broom.
SCARLETT: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! Could be good for a laugh, though...
PRISSY: That's what I'm thinkin' too!
RHETT: (Enters with a confused look on his face) What's all that screaming?
SCARLETT: Whatsername's about to have her baby! Do you know how to...
RHETT: Don't look at me! Lordy, we got to have a doctor! I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies! Wait...I know--anybody got a broom?
------
THE GODFATHER
VITO: You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding...
GUY: Well, yeah.
VITO: You ask me to kill a man I do not know...
GUY: No, I come to you on the day of your daughter's wedding because I'm the wedding photographer.
VITO: Huh?
GUY: Come on dad, gimme a smile for the camera...(BEGINS TAKING FLASH PHOTOS)...work with me, Vito, work with me! You're a pretty flower! A pretty flower! Perfect! Now tease me, baby, tease me...lil' pout, come on...oh, you are so CUTE! Joey, bring in the wind fan! Where's my stylist? There you are. Honey, I want Vito's hair to flow with the breeze, can you comb it out? Good...
------
THE WIZARD OF OZ
WIZARD: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!
DOROTHY: Okay.
WIZARD: What?
DOROTHY: Fine. I won't pay any attention to you.
WIZARD: (Coming over) You're not going to pay any attention to me?
DOROTHY: Did you hear something, Scarecrow?
SCARECROW: Nope.
LION: Not a thing.
WIZARD: Okay, I AM the Wizard. You got me. I'll give you anything you want.
DOROTHY: I sure wish the Wizard would get here.
TIN MAN: Yeah. He sure had a big, floating head.
WIZARD: That was just a trick! I assure you that I am the Wizard of Oz!
TIN MAN: Did you say something, Scarecrow?
DOROTHY: This is boring. I killed a witch, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and now I desperately wanna get laid. Let's go. There's gotta be a bar in this town.
LION: We're with you. (THEY LEAVE, SINGING FRANK ZAPPA'S "THIS TOWN IS A SEALED TUNA SANDWICH")
WIZARD: But...I'm...the...wiz...DAMN IT! Why can I never make any FRIENDS!
TT
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