Tuesday, October 14, 2008
PICK ME, I'M CLEAN
Yesterday, I had my "You're 50" colonoscopy.
For those of you headed in the same direction to which I have arrived, you will be pleased to know that after dually following the preparation phase and doing exactly what the doctor said, my colon is officially "bendy."
Let's go back to Sunday.
On Sunday, after taking three laxative pills and waiting for the things to work, I then set off on my diet for the day: a gallon of water with a pre-measured helping of something called "GoLyteLy."
Yeah, right. They call it "GoLyteLy" because "Self-Inflicted Liquid Dysentery" didn't do too well in the test market. Everything I'd eaten since the third grade that had stuck to my insides was summarily evicted, with the furniture, within two hours.
So I spent a good portion of Sunday on the toilet, until I'd finished the entire gallon of saltarrhea, and the only thing coming out of me was the last three cups of what I'd put back in.
So I show up at a place on Monday called Surgicenter, a place which I truly believe is used ONLY for colonoscopies. Scores of people were waiting for the opportunity (feh).
I was admitted, administered the usual backless gown, set up with an IV and set in a chair until a unit opened up. Then I was led into a room, I laid on the bed, and they started an anesthetic that they said wouldn't put me completely out, but I probably wouldn't remember anything.
I remember plenty. At first, I really didn't feel anything. But then, as I'm watching the action on the monitor (I'm not kidding -- you get to see what the doctors are seeing) and the camera is getting deeper and deeper, suddenly it kinda sorta HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
"Little uncomfortable?" the doctor says. "Sorry about that, but you're really 'bendy.'"
Yeah? And YOU'RE literally a pain in the ass!
He then pulled it out (a lot quicker than it went in) and the pain went away. Good thing I was slightly woozy.
Unfortunately, the anesthesia REALLY kicked in about ten minutes later, after we were done!
I eventually got dressed and Jan drove me home and I slept away Monday afternoon and best of all: I have a clean colon. Bendy, but clean.
I even have pictures. Don't worry, I'll spare you.
------
THINGS THE ECONOMY HAS TAUGHT ME:
It actually saves money to shop for different things at different places.
The Asian market near my house has the LOWEST regular price on chicken breasts -- $2.29 a pound. That's at least 2.70 less than Fry's.
Fresh and Easy is a great place to find stuff on clearance pretty much any time of the day at half price. The mini-baguettes are just half a buck on clearance. They freeze well and taste great.
------
My fall and winter gigs are piling up. Just added two more today!
TT
Yesterday, I had my "You're 50" colonoscopy.
For those of you headed in the same direction to which I have arrived, you will be pleased to know that after dually following the preparation phase and doing exactly what the doctor said, my colon is officially "bendy."
Let's go back to Sunday.
On Sunday, after taking three laxative pills and waiting for the things to work, I then set off on my diet for the day: a gallon of water with a pre-measured helping of something called "GoLyteLy."
Yeah, right. They call it "GoLyteLy" because "Self-Inflicted Liquid Dysentery" didn't do too well in the test market. Everything I'd eaten since the third grade that had stuck to my insides was summarily evicted, with the furniture, within two hours.
So I spent a good portion of Sunday on the toilet, until I'd finished the entire gallon of saltarrhea, and the only thing coming out of me was the last three cups of what I'd put back in.
So I show up at a place on Monday called Surgicenter, a place which I truly believe is used ONLY for colonoscopies. Scores of people were waiting for the opportunity (feh).
I was admitted, administered the usual backless gown, set up with an IV and set in a chair until a unit opened up. Then I was led into a room, I laid on the bed, and they started an anesthetic that they said wouldn't put me completely out, but I probably wouldn't remember anything.
I remember plenty. At first, I really didn't feel anything. But then, as I'm watching the action on the monitor (I'm not kidding -- you get to see what the doctors are seeing) and the camera is getting deeper and deeper, suddenly it kinda sorta HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
"Little uncomfortable?" the doctor says. "Sorry about that, but you're really 'bendy.'"
Yeah? And YOU'RE literally a pain in the ass!
He then pulled it out (a lot quicker than it went in) and the pain went away. Good thing I was slightly woozy.
Unfortunately, the anesthesia REALLY kicked in about ten minutes later, after we were done!
I eventually got dressed and Jan drove me home and I slept away Monday afternoon and best of all: I have a clean colon. Bendy, but clean.
I even have pictures. Don't worry, I'll spare you.
------
THINGS THE ECONOMY HAS TAUGHT ME:
It actually saves money to shop for different things at different places.
The Asian market near my house has the LOWEST regular price on chicken breasts -- $2.29 a pound. That's at least 2.70 less than Fry's.
Fresh and Easy is a great place to find stuff on clearance pretty much any time of the day at half price. The mini-baguettes are just half a buck on clearance. They freeze well and taste great.
------
My fall and winter gigs are piling up. Just added two more today!
TT
Comments:
Thanks for the first-person account. Mine is Friday, so now I know to run away from home (on the other hand, I've never been "bendy" in any way, so maybe I'm OK. Heh). I'm hoping for the best, but if they find anything I'm sort of counting on my old driver's license that mysteriously disappeared.
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