Tuesday, December 02, 2008
MY WONDERFUL WIT OF A WIFE
If you're one of the people who reads this blog who has never met my wife Janice, or if you are someone who has only met her once, your first impression of her may well be:
"S'matter with her? Doesn't she talk?"
For lots of reasons that would take too long to go into here (and which are really none of your business), Jan takes a while to warm up to people.
Usually.
But there are times, when the time is right, when things just need to be commented on, that Janice, in a fit of inspiration, will crack a joke or make a comment to complete strangers that basically makes everybody's day.
Case in point:
On most Friday nights, if you don't drink, you have two things you can do in Phoenix: Go to a book store, or go to an adult bookstore.
Usually, we opt for a bookstore. Borders is open until 11 and they don't bother you if you read an entire book without buying it.
However, every so often we will decide we need a laugh, so we will go to one of the local adult boutiques, as they call them, either a nearby Fascinations or their main competitor, the Castle Boutique. A couple of Fridays ago we opted on the Castle location about walking distance from our house. (We drove, though.) We both get a kick out of adult stores, because face it, it's fun to look at all the crazy ways one can devise to get one's, and one's significant others, rocks off. These stores are very brightly lit and clean and couples go there like you would if you were going to Walgreens or something. Nobody's embarrassed and the help is usually MORE THAN HAPPY to explain some of the odder merchandise available there if you so want to know.
Some of these contraptions are extremely ingenious and definitely worth laughing about.
Anyway, back to the story. So we're in the Castle where, like many other stores, the onslaught of November means a non-stop Muzak invasion of Christmas songs. At the Castle Boutique that night, the mix was your typical collection of oversung religious and secular winter faves. Which eventually struck Janice as funny.
Religious songs in an adult bookstore?
The Castle has a "demonstrator vibrator" wall, where you can try out (on your hand, silly) literally about 100 different vibrators, dildoes, anal stimulators, g-spot massagers, etc. etc. etc. So there we are, at the wall, looking at some of the more ridiculous ones, when Jan notices a woman holding a particularly "useful" device in her hand. The music playing at this point is a rather solemn version of "Oh, Holy Night."
So Jan turns to the woman and says, "Isn't this what Christmas is really all about? Listening to music celebrating "The Birth of Our LORD," as they say, while we examine a Rotating Purple Latex Clit Stimulator with G-Spot Massager?"
The lady laughed and then agreed yeah, that is sort of weird. Then we started postulating that SOME holiday music would be fine for an adult store. The SECULAR stuff, the FUNNY stuff, great. but WWJI (What Would Jesus Insert) is probably not where you want to go if you're into the more religious aspects of the season.
(By the way, the lady bought the vibrator.)
------
Janice has a very unique way of expressing herself sometimes. A while back we ate dinner at an Italian restaurant where we were asked if we'd like to have an after-dinner drink. The waiter suggested the limoncello. I have since learned that this concoction is actually nothing more than 100% alcohol with lemons in it.
We were brought two shot glasses of this drink and were told on no uncertain terms by the waiter that we were to SIP IT. DO NOT CHUG UNDER PENALTY OF RALPH. So we sipped. It was REALLY GOOD.
Now, you have to understand that since we drink maybe 10 alcoholic beverages per decade COMBINED, we're both a bit easy to intoxicate. Jan is REALLY easy to intoxicate. She REALLY liked the limoncello. She described it as such: "Goes down like velvet, then hits you like a brick." I had eaten enough food and took enough time sipping my drink that I only had to sit in the parking lot for about 10 minutes to make sure my faculties were there before heading home. (It had a delayed effect on me; I fell asleep almost instantly when I got home.) Jan needed help getting to the car. All the way home, she kept pantomiming like she'd just been hit in the head by a brick. It was pretty funny.)
So now, whenever we see limoncello in a store, she'll say, "Look! A bottle of Velvet Brick!"
I'd buy her a bottle but like most booze in our house, it would sit there for ten years before we even opened it. (I'm not kidding. I have a bottle of Southern Comfort in the house somewhere and I don't even know where it is. I bought it like five years ago to use an ounce of it for a recipe. )
------
Just got asked by the producers of the previously successful "Seven Minutes in Hell" if I would like to participate in "Seven Minutes of Christmas" at Space 55 on December 12 and I said yes. More on that in a week or so. Mark your calendars.
TT
If you're one of the people who reads this blog who has never met my wife Janice, or if you are someone who has only met her once, your first impression of her may well be:
"S'matter with her? Doesn't she talk?"
For lots of reasons that would take too long to go into here (and which are really none of your business), Jan takes a while to warm up to people.
Usually.
But there are times, when the time is right, when things just need to be commented on, that Janice, in a fit of inspiration, will crack a joke or make a comment to complete strangers that basically makes everybody's day.
Case in point:
On most Friday nights, if you don't drink, you have two things you can do in Phoenix: Go to a book store, or go to an adult bookstore.
Usually, we opt for a bookstore. Borders is open until 11 and they don't bother you if you read an entire book without buying it.
However, every so often we will decide we need a laugh, so we will go to one of the local adult boutiques, as they call them, either a nearby Fascinations or their main competitor, the Castle Boutique. A couple of Fridays ago we opted on the Castle location about walking distance from our house. (We drove, though.) We both get a kick out of adult stores, because face it, it's fun to look at all the crazy ways one can devise to get one's, and one's significant others, rocks off. These stores are very brightly lit and clean and couples go there like you would if you were going to Walgreens or something. Nobody's embarrassed and the help is usually MORE THAN HAPPY to explain some of the odder merchandise available there if you so want to know.
Some of these contraptions are extremely ingenious and definitely worth laughing about.
Anyway, back to the story. So we're in the Castle where, like many other stores, the onslaught of November means a non-stop Muzak invasion of Christmas songs. At the Castle Boutique that night, the mix was your typical collection of oversung religious and secular winter faves. Which eventually struck Janice as funny.
Religious songs in an adult bookstore?
The Castle has a "demonstrator vibrator" wall, where you can try out (on your hand, silly) literally about 100 different vibrators, dildoes, anal stimulators, g-spot massagers, etc. etc. etc. So there we are, at the wall, looking at some of the more ridiculous ones, when Jan notices a woman holding a particularly "useful" device in her hand. The music playing at this point is a rather solemn version of "Oh, Holy Night."
So Jan turns to the woman and says, "Isn't this what Christmas is really all about? Listening to music celebrating "The Birth of Our LORD," as they say, while we examine a Rotating Purple Latex Clit Stimulator with G-Spot Massager?"
The lady laughed and then agreed yeah, that is sort of weird. Then we started postulating that SOME holiday music would be fine for an adult store. The SECULAR stuff, the FUNNY stuff, great. but WWJI (What Would Jesus Insert) is probably not where you want to go if you're into the more religious aspects of the season.
(By the way, the lady bought the vibrator.)
------
Janice has a very unique way of expressing herself sometimes. A while back we ate dinner at an Italian restaurant where we were asked if we'd like to have an after-dinner drink. The waiter suggested the limoncello. I have since learned that this concoction is actually nothing more than 100% alcohol with lemons in it.
We were brought two shot glasses of this drink and were told on no uncertain terms by the waiter that we were to SIP IT. DO NOT CHUG UNDER PENALTY OF RALPH. So we sipped. It was REALLY GOOD.
Now, you have to understand that since we drink maybe 10 alcoholic beverages per decade COMBINED, we're both a bit easy to intoxicate. Jan is REALLY easy to intoxicate. She REALLY liked the limoncello. She described it as such: "Goes down like velvet, then hits you like a brick." I had eaten enough food and took enough time sipping my drink that I only had to sit in the parking lot for about 10 minutes to make sure my faculties were there before heading home. (It had a delayed effect on me; I fell asleep almost instantly when I got home.) Jan needed help getting to the car. All the way home, she kept pantomiming like she'd just been hit in the head by a brick. It was pretty funny.)
So now, whenever we see limoncello in a store, she'll say, "Look! A bottle of Velvet Brick!"
I'd buy her a bottle but like most booze in our house, it would sit there for ten years before we even opened it. (I'm not kidding. I have a bottle of Southern Comfort in the house somewhere and I don't even know where it is. I bought it like five years ago to use an ounce of it for a recipe. )
------
Just got asked by the producers of the previously successful "Seven Minutes in Hell" if I would like to participate in "Seven Minutes of Christmas" at Space 55 on December 12 and I said yes. More on that in a week or so. Mark your calendars.
TT
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