Monday, February 28, 2005

Last night was the first time the back of anybody's Oscar dress ever made me horny.
Hilary Swank's. Yowzah.

We don't go to dramas when we go to the movies because my wife says she likes to get away from problems, not go look at other people suffering.

Needless to say, Million Dollar Baby and Hotel Rwanda and the Aviator and whatever else was nominated were not on our list of movies to see.

I do wanna see "Ray," though, which I don't think anybody else in my family wants to see.

Still, I was curious about Million Dollar Baby so I went to a movie spoiler site that gives away the ending.

She gets beaten by Apollo Creed.

Then the boat sinks.

Oh, and Rosebud was the sled.

We DID see the Incredibles. Twice. And I'll probably buy it when it comes out on DVD 'cause it's a fuckin' INCREDIBLE piece of animation.


Does anybody know where we put our DVD copy of Return of the King? We can't find it.


finally returned two Netflix movies (The Swimming Pool and Frighteners) after taking four months to watch them and now have two more ("Pi" and "City of Lost Children"). Plus the third one that we STILL haven't watched (Star Wars Volume 3: Who The Fuck Cares Anymore?).

It's true I guess--the longer you have kids, the less time you have to watch movies.


At the Japanese Matsuri festival on Saturday there were several people dressed up as the "lucky gods" of Japanese lore. They were playing instruments and serenading the crowd with such delightful traditional Japanese tunes as "Proud Mary."


My taxes were prepared last week. It's kind of a familiar situation by now -- no matter what the Feds give back to me, I end up owing to the state. And then some. No matter what I do. This has been a trend since I first started paying income tax.

Could be worse. I have a friend who told me that he literally gets audited EVERY YEAR. (He makes most of his money by just investing in things, so every year is another exciting adventure for the taxman.) He says it's gotten to the point that he's successfully predicted the day his audit notice will show up in the mail for several years in a row.

At least he's got a sense of humor about it.


Friday, February 25, 2005

Tonight we are going out to celebrate the fact that my son Adam has just finished up yet a another trimester at De Vry University, and all indications say he's not going to be falling off the President's List anytime soon.

Not bad for a kid who was getting D's and F's at the start of ninth grade because he'd been misdiagnosed with A.D.D.

What he has in fact, is a thankfully manageable case of Asperger's Syndrome, a bizarre type of functional autism that you frequently find in computer engineers. No kidding.

Guess what Adam wants to be?

Once he was diagnosed and got on the right meds, he started trying to correct his behavior regarding the odd things that Asperger's patients do -- such as, when the waitress says, "you want something to drink?" He no longer says "Yes" and turns away. He actually TELLS her what he WANTS to drink.

He has plenty of girlfriend wannabes now, which is to be expected since he looks like my beautiful wife, only with a beard. Even though by his own admission he doesn't quite get the logic to physical attraction. (Maybe Mr. Spock had Asperger's.) Sometimes he finds girls amusing on the same level that you find a puppy amusing. After a couple hours, though, it's time to leave puppygirl and go sit in his room alone.

So Adam's doing great and we're proud of him. He's picking where we go to dinner tonight. As long as it's not a hot sauce chugging contest (which, by the way, he'd probably win), I'm sure we'll have a good time.

Way to go, Adam!


The Government is worried that all of the missles they sold to the Taliban in the late 70s and through the 80s have not been accounted for.

Isn't it just like rebel terrorists to not be nice and tell you where the stuff is you gave them? The NERVE of some indiginous people.


I am a presidential history buff. I have always wanted to own actual autogaphs of presidents. But I'm also poor and when the bidding gets past $90 or so, I'm out of the game. So up till this point I have been without any autographs. (I know I could get Jimmye Carter's but it would mean having to go to a fucking COSTCO to meet him and buy a book. I hate that place.)

However, persistence and E-bay paid off. For 69.99 I picked up a document signed by Franklin Pierce, our 14th (and probably most ineffectual) president. I intend to frame it but I have no idea where I'm going to put it.

I have a few days to wait until it gets here so I'll try to figure something out.


Mark your calendars now: Next Saturday, March 5, I'm going to be closing the annual Fiddlers' Dream spring festival. I go on at 10:30. I was told by the lady booking things that I'm going last because NOBODY wants to follow me. I guess I'm flattered, but it's TOUGH playing at 10:30! I never woulda made it in Vegas...


Sunday, February 20, 2005

Running an internet radio station should be easy but for my friend Andy Olson it's been one dumb problem after another, and none are his fault.

Until further notice, check out radiofreephoenix.com at this URL:


Right now, if you go to www.radiofreephoenix.com you get a notice that the domain died. No, it's supposed to automatically renew. Besides, the name isn't even due for expiration for months. Andy's working on it.

Consequently I'm betting about NO people heard my Zappa Universe show tonight so many we'll run it again once Andy gets THIS problem figured out.

------Played a GREAT show at Alwun House on Friday. Didn't rain until the moment I finished.


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I'm reprinting this entire article from today's paper because I want YOUR jaw to scrape the floor too and join mine:

'Guns in bars' bill back for 2nd shot
Added twist: No drinking while packing heat

Robbie Sherwood
The Arizona Republic
Feb. 15, 2005 12:00 AM
Pistols, rifles, shotguns - Arizonans soon could load them up and tote them into the bar or nightclub of their choice.
In a latest tribute to the Wild West, Arizona legislators have come up with a plan to legalize loaded weapons in places that serve alcohol.
Senate Bill 1363 breezed through the Senate Judiciary Committee on a 5-2 vote Monday and appears headed toward a promising future in the full Senate and House. advertisement
To help ease its passage, lawmakers have added a twist: Arizonans would have to avoid actually drinking an alcoholic beverage while carrying the loaded weapon.
The measure would apply to restaurants, bars and nightclubs that served alcohol.
After falling one vote short of passage last year, the so-called guns-in-bars bill is back for another shot. And this year, with key opponents having been replaced by more conservative-leaning lawmakers, backers are feeling optimistic.
The reasoning behind the measure? Darren LaSorte, a lobbyist for the National Rifle Association, said law-abiding gun owners should be able to dine in restaurants without leaving their weapons at home or in the car, where they are useless for protection.
And he stressed that establishments that don't want guns inside could still prohibit them by posting a sign at the front entrance. Rifles and shotguns could be prohibited by allowing only concealed weapons with permits, he said.
"This does not force a property owner to do anything," LaSorte said. "If they don't want guns on their property, they simply post a sign."
Opponents, including police and all major restaurant and hospitality associations, say a sign should be required if guns are welcome in a business, not the other way around.
Don Isaacson, a lobbyist for the Fraternal Order of Police and the Arizona Licensed Beverage Association, said this year's version is an improvement.
But he said he doesn't know of any of the more than 1,500 bar and restaurant owners he represents who wants any part of the liability and potential danger of dealing with armed customers.
"How many bar fights, how many pool-cue fights that occur in and around liquor establishments would have been worse if there were guns present?" Isaacson said.
"There are probably places where it might be appropriate to bring a gun: a VFW in Sun City where it's 30 guys and they've all known each other for years. But a college bar in downtown Tempe on Fiesta Bowl eve, with all those high emotions, that's probably not a good thing."
Gary Cristensen, a competitive shooter and concealed-weapons permit holder from Tempe, said few of the concealed-weapons carriers he knows drink when armed, anyway.
Brian Roehrich, who owns Dos Gringos and four other bars and restaurants in Scottsdale and Tempe, opposes the bill even though he said his clientele is relatively mild-mannered.
"It would be idiotic. There's just no benefit to having a firearm in a place where liquor's being served," Roehrich said.
"And it would be tougher to hire a door guy. They are already in a position where they are trying to control the crowd, and if there is a fight it's going that much scarier not knowing if there's a gun."
Sen. John Huppenthal, who heads the Judiciary Committee and supports the bill, said guns make him uncomfortable and he has never owned one. But he pointed to a University of Chicago study that he said showed rape and murder rates went down in states that passed concealed-carry gun laws.
Restaurants and bars will be safer after the bill passes because criminals, who ignore laws barring guns, won't take the chance with customers who might also be armed, he said.
"People are alive today, wives and mothers are safe today, who otherwise would not have been," Huppenthal said.

I wasn't going to say anything about the above. But I have to say something:

Has NO ONE in the Arizona State Legislature who's in favor of this bill ever heard of a BIKER BAR?

This goes over and I guarantee you: One murder a night. At the LEAST.


Why does "impregnable" mean nothing can get in, but "impregnate" means something got in?


Speaking purely as a male who appreciates the female form in all its various shapes, last weekend's show at the Alwun House's Exotic/Erotic opening party did not disappoint, in spite of all the rain.


As I was informed by her after a post last week, TODAY is Nancy Freeman's #*TH Birthday, and I wish her a happy one.


I am playing the Alwun House this Friday night, rain or shine, for their 3rd annual Erotic/Exotic poetry/music Festivus. Do show up! See more about it at www.alwunhouse.org


Friday, February 11, 2005

I've said it once here, and I'll say it again as calmly as I can:


Feb 11 2005

By Daniel Boffey

SIX people were injured as a stampede by 6,000 bargain-hunters wrecked the opening of England's biggest Ikea store yesterday.

Some shoppers were trampled underfoot while others collapsed in the midnight crush.

Inside, people swapped punches as they brawled over cut-price furniture with sofas at just £45.

Children were left abandoned and one baby had to be lifted to safety from the melee.

Bosses, expecting just 2,000 customers, planned to open for 24 hours - but shut the doors in panic after barely 40 minutes.

Shopper Lisa Keepence, 36, of Enfield, north London, said: "There was a security man in a fluorescent jacket, lying on the floor with people trampling on him."

Karyn Christian, 38, added: "Everything was fine at the beginning. But when the doors opened everyone charged.

"I was thrown aside and sprained my ankle and my cousin was pushed over.

"A friend of mine started running like everyone else. When she got inside someone pulled a wooden mallet and threatened her.

"People were getting hold of sofas on either end and shouting, 'Mine, mine!'. It was like nothing I'd experienced before."

Customers queued peacefully from noon on Wednesday, 12 hours before the 28,500ft outlet in Edmonton, north London, opened.

But the atmosphere grew more frantic as the night wore on.

By 11pm anxious bargain-hunters had dumped their cars on the nearby North Circular dual carriageway - where traffic jams were several miles long - to join the queue.

Some used the central reservation and hard shoulder while others drove on the wrong side of the road to get closer to the store.

Just before midnight the crowd was entertained by clowns as the Lord Mayor of London chatted to other VIPs and Ikea managers inside the shop.

At midnight the doors were opened amid fanfare and the traditional Swedish cutting of a log - and mayhem erupted.

One man had to pick up his wife, who collapsed in the crush, and carry her away on his shoulders.

Police battled to control the mob as nine ambulances and around 30 firefighters attended the scene.

After a number of attempts, store employees managed to shut the doors at 12.42am.

Yesterday John Olie, deputy head of Ikea in Britain, said: "They came at us from all angles, pushing and shoving. It was terrifying.

"We had 15 people trying to hold the doors against the crowd."

Shoppers had been trying to get bargains such as £200 leather sofas reduced to £45, dining tables for £35 and bed frames for £30.

Ikea insists it met all health and safety requirements but the store, its 13th in the UK, will stay shut until further notice.

Scotland Yard chief Sir Ian Blair said: "The police were as taken by surprise as the Ikea management."

He said officers would discuss any future openings with the chain.

A man in his 20s was knifed at a nearby car park in an unrelated incident and was yesterday stable in hospital after stumbling to the store for help.


It's raining buckets. Tonight at Alwun House should be interesting...


Thursday, February 10, 2005

So last night, I call a Compuserve store to get the cross streets. I get a recording (which I expected) and I swear to GOD this is what I heard:

"Our Compuserve store is located right off the 101 at Jane."

WHERE? I press the number to repeat the option.

"Our Compuserve store is located right off the 101 at Jane."

My mind quickly surveys what I know Southbound 101 on the east side to look like. I don't remember ever seeing a woman named Jane or otherwise pointing to an offramp.

I try it one more time just to see if I can make any sense at all:

"Our Compuserve store is located right off the 101 at Jane."

Pissed off now, I press every button until I finally hear the phone ring.

Hi, what are your cross streets?

"We're right off the freeway at 101 and Shea."

Ah, SHEA! Do you realize your recorded announcer thinks the name of the street is Jane?


(Do you care? I am tempted to ask, but I don't.)

Call it yourself and tell me I'm crazy. Or hard of hearing.



I've always wanted to say that.


Tomorrow night is the Alwun House opening at which Jan is dancing with Kindred Spirit and all indications are that everybody will be soaking wet. This should be fun...


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Happy upcoming birthday weekend Nancy Freeman!

(See, this is the guys' cop-out way of remembering somebody's birthday. I know it's AROUND Valentine's day and I THINK it's the 13th but I can't be sure and I forgot to look at the list I have with my friends' numbers and birthdays on it.)

The weather people keep threatening rain for Friday which should make the Alwun House opening pretty special.


I'm on the downside of a cold which I hope doesn't re-populate itself in my person on Friday if it DOES indeed rain.


Is anybody surprised that the promised money to the tsunami areas is not flowing like one would hope?

For the life of me I don't understand how charitable things are supposed to work, especially if those things are charity events NOT sponsored by organizations with experience in that sort of thing.

Remember the "Concert for Bangladesh?" George Harrison held a MONSTER concert in 1971 at Madison Square Garden to raise money for the newly-formed (and rapidly starving) country of Bangladesh (which I think now is in Pakistan, right?). Anyway, this being New York, nobody worked for free. And after paying off everybody who wanted to be paid, and paying off the record company who put out the album from the show, and paying this that and the other, and then the AGENTS for the performers wanted their share even though the performers themselves worked for FREE, and in the end the fundraiser wound up in the hole by hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Lesson learned: Never try to raise money if you don't know what you're doing.

In the case of the tsunami, it appears that charities are coming through but governments who promised money are not.

When this country has a REALLY big boo boo, and it will, it will be interesting to see who comes to our aid and how fast they give it.


Thursday, February 03, 2005

A couple of days ago, my pal Nancy posted this thing in her blog. It was interesting so I'll post it here along with my results.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

Mine was: "By the time of his death he was largely forgotten."

What's yours?


If I was anybody playing for anybody else but the Suns I'd be trying really hard to take Steve Nash out for the long run. With him, the Suns are amazing. Without him, they play like third-graders.

And he's not even the leading scorer on the team.

Why is Nash's position called "point guard" when it's not up to the point guard to score points?

On the same note, why are they called "Egg Creams" when there are no eggs or cream involved?

Why do Philadelphians refer to Italian ice as "Water Ice?" As opposed to what? COBALT ice? LEATHER ice?

And this one from George Carlin: Why do football coaches wear baseball caps?


Golf would be more interesting to watch if it was played naked. Hell, just about ANY sport would be more interesting to watch if played naked.

Interesting fact: There is no law prohibiting toplessness in the state of New York.
Some cities are now allowing toplessness for women anywhere that a guy can enjoy the same privilege.

That doesn't beat the night a friend of mine bared her breasts in front of me and a bunch of friends at the window table of a Denny's, but it's interesting.

Personally, I think the real reason that women are prohibited from walking around shirtless is that the insurance companies don't want to deal with it. But you know what would happen? For two weeks there would be a slew of car accidents from guys who stop paying attention to the road because they're looking at topless women. After TWO WEEKS that would all stop. I'm sure of it.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Nancy Freeman posted this in her blog last night, and I thought I'd repeat it here:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.
"The andrakhi lamb chops ($12) arrive sizzling and juicy, so tuck in."

Okay, here's mine: "By the time of his death he was largely forgotten."

If you combine those two sentences, you have to wonder. Who was largely forgotten? The lamb? i suppose that's true.


Well, thanks to my pals at the Saturday Light Brigade in Pittsburgh, I got my first airplay of the year. I'm SURE it was my first airplay of the year. Check out the date:



Not every radio station publishes their playlists online. But I've been told that for every station you find has played your CD, there's probably three or four more that didn't.

That's so cool, knowing my stuff has infiltrated the minds of people all over the place.


I need to write more songs. I feel like I'm right on the edge of a creative WHOOOOSH.
You know what the worst thing is about writing songs? You come up with the best stuff when you're nowhere near anywhere to write it down. I hate that.


Could somebody please rent the movie "Swimming Pool" with Charlotte Rampling and tell me just what the FUCK was going on in the last 2 minutes of the movie? It was great up until then, and then...Wha? Who? Huh?


On an only slightly-related note: Aside from 1931's Dracula, which wraps up nicely, are there any other vampire movies out there that don't totally fall apart in order to create a resolution? I'm thinking of all the vampire movies I've seen and they all seem to end up in a corner, so they have to ignore previously set plot points or cause some odd occurence in order to make the thing work.

I think part of the problem is that nobody ever sat down and wrote up a "vampire rules" sheet, by which everybody had to conform. Some can die by a stake through the heart, others can't. Some can eat and drink; others can't or won't. Some are scared by crude representations of Jesus; others aren't.

Ever notice they never have a movie called "Dracula: Murder at the Religious Art Show"? That would be really funny...Drac trying to bite somebody while avoiding the crucifixion paintings.

Or even better, how about Jesus as a vampire? Would he be scared of himself? The title writes itself: "Drink His Blood."

Jesus as an action hero? "Miracle Man..."

Jesus as a porn star? "Jesus is coming."

Why Hollywood never calls me, I'll never know.


Well, it's February and that means the Alwun House shows are coming up. First up, the Exotic Erotic opener on Feb 11. My wife's troupe, Kindred Spirit, will be there. If you've never done this thing, you really should. The weirdest people you'll see all year. Trust me. If you've ever wanted to dance outrageous or sexy and show it off in front of strangers, THIS IS THE TIME AND PLACE TO DO IT. Just ask my friend Shirley Runyon. Or better yet, show up and see what she's wearing this year!

Then on Feb 18 I'll be part of the to-do at the Erotic Poety and Music Festivus. It's my third year. Woo Hoo!

You can find out all you need to know about this at www.alwunhouse.org


Tuesday, February 01, 2005


The nominees are:

Stuart Sutcliffe
George Martin
Neil Aspinall
Mal Evans
Jimmy Nichol (Nominee, Best Supporting Beatle)
Andy White (Ditto)
Murray the "K"
Brian Epstein
Billy Preston (face it, near the end he WAS one of the Beatles, thereby avoiding the Best Supporting category)
Eric Clapton (Best Supporting)

Beatle Inspirations

And the nominees are:

Chuck Berry
Buddy Holly
Little Richard
Yoko Ono
Jane Asher
Linda Eastman McCartney
Patti Boyd/Harrison/Clapton (About whom John Lennon once said, "everyone who meets her writes a song about her." To wit: I Need You, Something, etc. (George); "Birthday," (Lennon/McCartney); "Layla," "Bell Bottom Blues," Wonderful Tonight," and God knows what else (Clapton).


And the nominees are:

Todd Rundgren (DUUUUH)
Tears for Fears
Jet (But just that one song they're playing on the radio now)
The Turtles (Extra large DOUBLE DUUUUUUUH with fudge and rainbow sprinkles)
The Rutles (Couldn't resist!)


As usual there are no nominees here.

(This post brought to you by the fact that I was listening to the "A Hard Day's Night" album this morning and my GOD those guys could write. And play. And sing. Even if the album does have the song "When I Get Home," which may be the single worst piece of shit they ever produced.)

Send up some energy for some ailing compadres of mine: Tom Pettijohn and Renee Rivers. Y'all get better now, y'hear?


Played to a VERY small but appreciative audience at the Trunk Space the other night. Why there weren't more people after all the fliers I distributed, I dunno. Maybe it's the fact that while downtown is trying to take itself back from the homeless and the hooked, it's still got some time to go before respectable people venture down there at night. Or maybe nobody saw the fliers.
Regardless, it was fun.

Afterwards, we joined the proprietors of the Trunk Space at a SOUL food restaurant (You have to say it like that; SOUL food!) called LoLos in South Phoenix. Where every dish on the menu comes with a waffle. Really. And where they serve up a bowl of grits that just screams, "FUCK MY HEALTH! I'M DIGGING IN!" I swear they melted half a stick of butter on the stuff and it was HEAVENLY.

The best part is, while it is in a "rough" part of town, it's open until 2 in the morning. Name any other privately owned restaurant that'll do that.

I thought EVERYBODY knew Wonder Woman had an invisible plane. I found out to the contrary yesterday that a good number of people don't. For God's sake, what are they teaching in our schools?


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