Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I have completely and totally forgotten what I was going to write about.


I am anxiously awaiting what we're calling the "first final mix" of my next CD. We had a preliminary final mix but the engineer forgot one of the songs so the official final mix (before any other changes) is going to be soon.

When I finally get this thing out you all need to buy one because JESUS I spent a lot of money.

Isn't that great? It's my problem and I'm hoping you'll help me fix it!

But seriously, everybody I've played pieces of the album to are going kookoo for cocoa puffs over it. Most of the songs actually sound like what I was thinking they should sound like in my head.

Once this is out and selling, I should tell you that it hopefully won't be five years before the next CD. I already have five or six songs I could put on the next CD, so...


Last weekend was the busiest holiday weekend any of us can remember. Party party party. And it's not letting up for us for at least two weeks. I like that in a life!


Hannukah started on Christmas this year. This keeps up, by 2008 it'll be in June.


My first gig in eons is coming up: the songwriters convention at Encanto Park on January 21. This will be followed by a gig in Peoria in February, and once I know that my CD is on its way I'm going to be scheduling up. No place too small. I will find you.


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Boy, have I been getting a lot of e-mail commenting on the link I posted last week for the Christmas rant.

Let me clarify something.

My friend Bill, who sent me the link, did not WRITE the piece. He was informed of it by someone else. Please do not ask me to forward vitriolic comments to him, do not ask me if he knows Jesus, etc. I don't care. Neither does he.

What I find really interesting is that of the now six or seven people who've responded to me about this, not ONE of you has said you don't AGREE with what the guy is saying--but more that, like most good rants, he's making too much out of nothing.

I can see that.

But I do have to wonder why, this year especially, there's this sudden story about "Christmas Trees" vs. "Holiday Trees."
It's a Christmas tree, said the Jew. And I don't care.


Speaking of rants:


Nancy Grace
BIll Reilly or O'Reilly or whatever his name is
Pretty much anybody on FOX News Network
Tom Arnold
Joan Rivers
Ann Coulter (this woman has to be joking or she desperately needs to walk in front of a bus--or get laid--naaah, bus)
George W. Bush
Dick "Voldemort" Cheney (take his nose off -- it's uncanny)
Jesse Jackson -- but only in situatons where he's clearly there just to be on TV
Professional Wrestlers


Leon Redbone -- a sitcom where he plays a hilarious guy who mumbles and plays the guitar. I'd watch it.


Bob Dylan. Who do you think his first guest should be? My guess: Either Joan Baez or Robbie Robertson. But only because George Harrison's dead.

Happy solstice to my pagan pals and merry everything else to the rest o' yeh...


Tuesday, December 20, 2005


Okay, let's see if I got this straight:

According to the new laws of the city of Scottsdale, AZ, a dancer is now considered topless (or seminude) if she wears a bikini bottom that completely covers the buttocks, and a bra that covers her nipples.

Okay, ladies, think about this a minute. If you wear a bikini top in public in Scottsdale, you are officially topless.

Look: I haven't been in a tittie bar in so long that I don't even remember the last time I WAS in a tittie bar. But if I were to go into a tittie bar, I would expect to see TITTIES. They're why if you look up "tittie bar" in a dictionary, there will be a picture of TITTIES.

It gets better, by the way. If you want to have a topless bar in Scottsdale, your dancers can't be topless and they can't be within four feet of the audience. How are you supposed to tip them?

I think somebody should test this stupid law by (on purpose) complaining that belly dancers, whose buttocks are fully covered and who wear bras, are dancing in restaurants in SCOTTSDALE! OH MY GOD!!!!, and they are being TOUCHED by the customers in the restaurant who are STICKING MONEY IN THEIR BELTS AND BRAS.

How can the city of Scottsdale not see how STUPID this is?

BUT WAIT! IT GETS STUPIDER! The new law says that ladies who do NOT work at the topless bar may wear whatever they like as CUSTOMERS of the bar, and may in fact be exposing more cleavage than anybody who actually WORKS in the bar, and not be cited for indecency.

All this fuss over the city's TWO TITTIE BARS. That's right. Scottsdale has TWO topless bars. They've both been there for 30 freakin' years. And now that a famous person (porno star Jenna Jameson) has bought one of them, some conservative twit lawyer who thinks the Taliban is too liberal is trying to close them on religious grounds (he won't admit that but it's true), disguised as "toughing the definition of seminude."


Fer Chrissake, they're two hunks of fat with brown circles! Most of the men on the city council have bigger tits than the dancers! GET OVER IT!

I hope Jenna Jameson does to these idiots in court figuratively what she's really good at literally. And soon.

Stupid Scottsdale...


Thursday, December 15, 2005



My friend Bill Schuch sent this to me -- I suggest you read it and see if you don't agree.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I'm not sure where I stand on capital punishment but I do have to ask a question:

This guy they put to sleep yesterday; did you, like me, hear his name and find yourself saying:


Yes, I know it's not respectful but if they're gonna kill guys named Tookie, then you run that risk.


If I hear one more reporter talk about this story and call Schwarzenegger The Terminator, I'm getting satellite radio.


Monday, December 12, 2005


Q: What do you call a person who will ONLY see a male massage therapist, and under NO circumstances, would EVER think of allowing himself anywhere NEAR a female massage therapist?

A: A massagenist.

Well, I thought is was funny.


Tonight should be the last night of recording for my CD. Scott (my producer) is recording a dobro player to overdub the previous dobro player, who was good but just didn't seem to understand what I wanted. That happens sometimes.

I need to get started on shooting/designing the CD cover. I want this out by February.

I heard the first "final" mixes on six songs and it all sounds pretty good. You're all gonna like it when it's done!


I see where Kate Bush's "Aerial" album has gone platinum after just one month. Good. It's a great album. Go buy it.


Hope you're all not too crazy from Christmas yet!


Andy Olson's "Rock and Roll Christmas," a staple on whatver staiton AO happened to be at over the years, is moving to www.radiofreephoenix.com this year. It starts on Christmas Eve at 6 p.m. and ends at 6 p.m. on Christmas, just in time for ZAPPA UNIVERSE, hosted by yours truly.

Now THAT'S timing.


Friday, December 02, 2005

You know what's silly?

Self congratulatory promos for radio stations that play on the station itself:

"Looking for something different in the Valley? Try us! K-NEW! Give it a listen!"

I already, am, stupid!

I'm all for letting radio stations advertise on other stations:

"Tired of hearing this trivial pap? Why not turn the dial over to KFUK right now?"

"The first 800 people to call this station and tell them it sucks will get free Stones tickets from US -- K-POO!"

Yeah, that's the ticket.


Is it me or did the holiday season show up a hell of a lot earlier this year?


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