Friday, February 24, 2006


What is her CD made out of -- Pla' Stick?

Should I buy it with Mo Ney?

Is she Seri Ous?


Boy, on the Olympics last night, almost everybody fall down go boom.

I like that Slutskaya person. Ever look at someone and think, 'I bet he/she's a fun date."
That's what I think when I see her. She has that "fun on a date" look.




I wrote a song last night just like that. I was sitting listening to maybe the fourth girl singer of the night who has decided to be the next Jewel when a song popped out of my head called "Boy Are You Stupid." I played it for my son this morning and he didn't leave the room, so maybe there's something there. Stay tuned.




I'm hosting the Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus tonight. Come see it. Alwun House. 12th St. and Roosevelt. Fun starts at 8.
Get your ass caricatured! It'll be fun!


Sent off my next CD for replication on Wednesday. Received reprints of my first CD yesterday, so if you've been wanting a copy I can sell it to you now.




Thursday, February 23, 2006


I'm passing this on just as Nancy Freeman posted it in her blog:

"Help me spread the word on this. If you or anyone you know has a bluetooth-enabled cell phone, you should be aware that it has a "feature" that lets other bluetooth users within 10 meters send you anonymous messages and video clips. This feature can be turned off, but the phone comes with it automatically enabled, and most users are unaware it's there. The reason you should be concerned is that increasingly perverts are using the feature to send anonymous threats and pornography; they're especially targeting women and children. (See this article in the New Zealand Herald.)

Like I said, you can turn this off. Check your user manual; not all phones come with anonymous messaging."


Wednesday, February 22, 2006



Two Cowsills in six months -- damn! They're dropping faster than the Ramones...

If I was in the Partridge Family, I'd be making an appointment for a physical...

When I was a kid I really liked the Cowsills. I think it's because they were kids like me, and they could play their instruments. Of course, they weren't allowed to do that in the STUDIO, fer gosh sakes, but they were always decent on TV.

And, although all of their hits were penned by professional songwriters, the rest of the songs on their albums were written by the brothers. (I'm not a big fan but I do know that what few songs I've heard that were written by them were more "filler" stuff than the stuff of hits. They even did a concept album in the late 60s -- based on the book of Revelation -- that even JESUS wouldn't buy.)

However, all was not happy in Mudville. One of the very first VH1 "Behind the Music" shows was about the Cowsills, and none of them had a nice thing to say about their days as a family group. They were pushed into it by their dad, against their will, when he noticed they had some talent. They were never happy and when the bubble finally burst ("The Partridge Family" was originally designed for them, but they proved to be horrible actors) after their last hit (ironically, a number-one smash cover of "Hair"), they each went off to their own unhappy drug puddle.

Mom Cowsill died about 20 years ago. Since then, the only one you might have heard about was little sister Susan, who grew up, married one of REM's producers, Peter Holsapple, and started a band called Continental Drifters with him and Vickie Peterson of the Bangles. (Their first album is fantastic. Try to find a used copy somewhere.)

And then Hurricane Katrina washed away Barry Cowsill, the one the whole family was worried about because he just wasn't "right in the haid." And then I see that Bill Cowsill, who was the lead singer for the group, died from emphysema and a bunch of other maladies that were basically brought on through too much chemical abuse over the years. On the VH1 show, you could tell they'd all been down some hard roads. Nearly every other word from their mouths had to be bleeped and they had clearly never forgiven their father, who was by that time long dead. Susan Cowsill summed it up at the end of the show, saying something like: "If you have a dream about making your kids live your rock-and-roll fantasies, do everyone a favor and go kill yourself."

If you need any other reason why you shouldn't be famous when you're young, I actually have footage of the Cowsills near their demise in 1969, appearing on a show called "Music Scene," and mouthing their latest post-Hair flop of a single, a cover of "Silver Threads and Golden Needles." It is obvious that NONE of them, not even Mom, wants to be there.

RIP, Bill and Barry. And the rest of you -- get some therapy.


Bryant Gumbel's comments about the Winter Olympics being nothing but a commercial enterprise were, I thought, a little bit outrageous. But he did make some good points, especially about announcers having to look like they "give a damn" about sports for which they know little and care even less.

I haven't watched too much but I did see some of the skating this year but wasn't near a TV when Sasha Cohen was on and my wife said that was the best part.

I LOVED that Dutch speed skater about a week back who left everybody else in the dust.


It's funny how the speed skaters' full-body suits tend to make everybody look like each other. Then the race is over, the hood comes off and holy cow, there's a real person in there!


Monday, February 20, 2006

I don't have the sound on the TV up, so I have no idea who she is, but the female half of the couple I just saw figure skating on the Olympics sure has a nice butt.

Hey, call me male but I call 'em as I sees 'em.

Speaking of which, isn't it interesting how sexy the skaters choose to dress? I realize some of that is practical--you want to make sure you get a good grip, but boy, I don't remember Peggy Fleming dressing like that.


Of course, it's nothing compared to what I see when I'm quickly surfing past "Dancing with the Washed-Up Hollywood Nobodies," or whatever that's called. Are all ballroom dresses that skimpy? Not that I'm complaining...


I heard a report today on NPR that tells me that GWB should NOT be a stand-up comedian when he gets out of office. They played two soundbites where he was trying to win over an audience at Johnson Controls in Milwaukee (where a high-school friend of mine now works, and where the bulk of the workforce had to remain at their desks during Bush's visit and watch the speech over their computers) and judging from the reaction either the audience was only eight people or they just don't like him very much.


Hope you had a nice President's day. Here's a bunch of Presidential facts that you can win beer bets with:

Both Grover Cleveland and Warren Harding had illegitimate children: Cleveland before being elected and Harding after. Harding never saw the little tyke.

U.S. Grant was an alcoholic. He was followed by Rutherford Hayes, who was a teetotaler. Neither was a very good President, but Grant got to be lousy longer--two terms.

JFK had affairs with literally hundreds -- maybe thousands-- of women. It is speculated he gave chlamydia to most of them, and was fighting a particularly nasty case of it during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

When Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves in his will, most were unable to make it on their own and begged his survivors to get their jobs back.

Dolley Madison was, to use modern terminologies: a real "Babe." She enjoyed flaunting her ample bosom, which at first caused a stir and then became the thing to do if your ample was bosomly. Or vice versa. She was also the first First Lady to be photographed.

Something I just found out, via the History Channel: William Taft was the first president to be filmed in color.

Neat, eh?


Saturday, February 18, 2006



I matched the Powerball!


I ONLY matched the Powerball.

Still, three bucks is three bucks.


This weekend has been Boys Alone Weekend. Jan's out at Estrella War; So we've been three Caballeros, basically staying out of the house so it's not a mess when Jan gets home.


NEXT FRIDAY, FEB 24: if you live in the Phoenix area and you know what's good for you, you'll come to Alwun House for the fourth annual Erotic Poetry and Music Festivus. I'm hosting, and I'm also the talent wrangler, and this year along with poets and musicians, thought it would be fun to include a bunch of smaller-scale erotic ACTS into the mix. So the lineup, as it appears right now, includes:

Me: Whatever it is I do
Dave Cook: Dirty Ditties
Gavan Wieser: Bawdy Ballads (Gavan is the chief songwriter and lead guitarist for One Foot In The Grave, the world's oldest punk band)
Violet Hayes: Erotic Storyteller
The Charltons: Erotic Poetry to music
Shirley Runyon and "Top" Erotic Haiku "under duress"
Kara Kay -- all the beautiful Ms. K will tell me is it's "Something Erotic"
Michelle Caballos and Opendance: An erotic dance number

FREE ASS CARICATURES BY STEVE CROMPTON! Other places, you'd get a caricature of your face. But Steve does Butt Caricatures! And anyone nice enough to model also gets a copy of one of Steve's many fine erotic comic books!


For only the second time since the band broke up, ROBERT X PLANET and LUCY LAMODE, the two primary forces behind legendary Phoenix post-punk 80s band KILLER PUSSY, will perform together! Hear their big hit, "TEENAGE ENEMA NURSES IN BONDAGE!" HEAR "Moist Towelette!" hear whatever else they want to do!

More details at www.alwunhouse.org!


Friday, February 17, 2006


Tonight, Fiddler's Dream hosts Bryan Bowers, a champion autoharp player (there is none better), fantastic songwriter and excellent performer.

But if you're my friend, that's probably not why you've heard Bryan before.

You see, long before I got lucky enough to get played on the Dr. Demento show, Dr. D was playing one specific song by Mr. Bowers for years. He STILL plays it. It's one of the most requested songs of all time on the Dr. Demento Show:

The Scotsman!

Ring Ding Diddle-Iddle I-dee-OH!

Go check him out. Make sure he does "Scotsman," 'cause last time he was here, he FORGOT!


Tuesday, February 14, 2006






Got that? Good. Now put the gun down before you hurt some...oh, sorry...too late...


Does it bother you how they're just laughing this off? Now Cheney has been found in violation of the gun laws and you KNOW he's not going to be fined or probably even tried.


Today is Valentine's day. Which means that we're going to join the throngs at our favorite restaurant tonight and wait for a table. (We did this last year, too.) The trick is to go LATER. Everybody wants to eat at seven. Nobody wants to eat at 8:15 or so so that's when we go. Works like a charm...


Happy General Vicinity of your Birthday, Nancy Freeman! (I can never remember if it's yesterday or tomorrow...)


Tuesday, February 07, 2006



Harry Potter meets Frankenstein
Harry and Hermie and Piggy and Kermie
Harry Potter and Dumbledore's Resurrection, Because I Really Screwed Up the Storyline By Mistake
Harry Potter, Blah, Blah Blah...
Harry Potter for Dummies
The Harry Potter "Choose Your Own Adventure" Book
Harry Morgan: Sherman Potter
Harry and Hagrid: A Love Story
Harry Potter: A Hardy Boys Mystery

and the number one least likely title:

Hermione Granger and the Sudden Horrible Turn of Events


Boy, were we American on Sunday. Watched the Super Bowl, barbecued burgers and brats, had ice cream for dessert.
Shit, if I actually drank beer, I might be up for some kind of "True American" certificate.


Played an OK gig last night in Peoria. Took me a song to get going but the old folks who came to watch were pretty much eating out of the old proverbial hand by the third song. (They do like that "Sun City Sinners" song of mine...)


Monday, February 06, 2006


...For all the noise she made about Detroit ignoring Motown for the Superbowl, Aretha's duet of the Star-Spangled Banner with Aaron Neville was pretty half-assed. First of all, they clearly couldn't hear Dr. John and the band, the gospel choir was overkill and while maybe it looked good on paper, Aaron and Aretha just don't compliment each other vocally.

That and Neville's microphone wasn't loud enough.

I thought the STONES kicked ass, though. I saw where ABC used a 5-second delay to bleep two words from the songs: On Start Me Up, there's a line where instead of Mick singing "You Make a Grown Man Cry" he sings "you make a dead man come," so "come" went away, and then the word "cocks" disappeared from "Rough Justice," even though the song is getting regular airplay right now. (for those of you who haven't heard it, it's a line that's a pun: "Once upon a time I was your little red rooster/Now I'm just one of your cocks")

Good game, too.


Fed Ex Caveman. Jan and I laughed so hard the kids thought something was wrong.

Close runner up for me was the phone commercial (and the fact that I can't remember who the advertiser is is why it's not my favorite) where the two guys are comparing cell phones and one guy ups the other by saying his phone has a "crime deterrent" feature, then shows him. (I won't spoil it for you.)


UPDATE TO HOT SPRING SITUATION: After thinking that the 18th would be a good day to do this, I found out that three of the probably seven people most likely to go will be otherwise occupied or out of town. So now I'm looking at Feb 25. Those of you who responded, let me know if this date works for you, too. Also, watch your mail for a similar screed.


Friday, February 03, 2006


I gotta admit, maybe the Muslims have a point here.


You know, if I'm the artist, I'm either real cocky, or scared shitless right now. Because I LET THEM PRINT MY NAME WITH THE PICTURE!

I think ignorance is partly at fault here. The non-muslim world chooses not to learn anything about it, so they go about their merry way, and when they want to make a political statement, they do it, not worrying about whether they're offending some tenet (like, say, Muhammed is never depicted in art).

Really, all the guy had to do to make his point was show the guy in a turban that didn't say "Muhammad" on it.

At the same time, the fact that the entire Muslim world has nothing better to do than get their titties in a ringer over a five-month-old drawing is rather disturbing. No one should be that fanatical about anything. I mean, I like the Beatles, but if you relieved yourself on Ringo's lawn I wouldn't call for your beheading.

While I'm not very religious I consider myself to be at least cultrually Jewish, but that doesn't mean I agree with every damn thing that Israel decides to do politically. That would be silly. Wouldn't it?

When I was Catholic I certainly didn't agree with much of the Church's historical decisions, such as burning a guy at the stake for translating the bible into English, or essentially destroying hundreds of years of medcial and literary knowledge when they evicted the Jews and Muslims from Spain in the 1400s. (I also had a problem with the fact that for a single-god religion, there sure seemed to be a lot of gods and goddesses disguised at saints and saintettes. Oh, that and God as a pack of Certs: Three! Three! Three Gods in One!)

Roy Harper has a song he wrote around the time of the whole Salman Rushdie thing called "The Black Cloud of Islam" which I imagine immediately kept him from going to any parties at Cat Stevens's house:

Well Im sick to the death, of the news on the screen,
of the hisbullah scum, and jihad the obscene,
whose men plant the bombs,
and then live feeling free,
to watch women and children, be killed on TV
Underneath the black cloud of Islam

What kind of publicity
needs so much blood,
thats not for some
sad diabolical god,
Ive not read the book
so I cannot recite
but I'll bet Salman Rushdie
was just about right

And the butchers who've
got all this blood on their hands
are the ones who need
God to be stood where he stands
Blessing this kidnapping
murder and war,
with books written hundreds of ages before

And women in veils walk in paces behind
it doesnt sit easy in my kind of mind,
it speaks of oppression,
and no other choice,
than rigid reliance to the loudest voice
Which is underneath the black cloud of Islam

You can put a lead bullet
clean through this guitar
cause Im not over joyed
with the story so far
sharing this world with the nutters of god,
is as good as being six feet under the sod,
And I am the prophet so dont believe me,
Im the same as the old ones except that Im free
to give you a piece of my mind which is this
Your the worst of Jehova's blind witlessnesses
with your feet in the door of the deepest abyss
which is underneath the black cloud of islam

Jingoistic? Yeah. Brimming with a lack of knowledge about why those people think that way? Yeah.

Dynamite singing and capable guitar playing? Most certainly!

Did it get him his own personal Fatwah? No.
Did the world collapse because he spoke his mind? No.
Did anybody buy the album other than me, because Kate Bush sang backup on one of the tracks? Maybe.
Will the enitre Moslem world collapse because of a cartoon?


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