Tom Tuerff's Glob -- er, Blog, or something

JUST SO YOU KNOW:

BRITNEY








WHITNEY



















BRIT WIT













NIT WIT



This has been a public service announcement.

TO BE HONEST, I'VE NEVER HAD ANY COMPLAINTS

I tend to ignore all junk e-mail, since I get maybe hundreds of junk e-mails every day. But every so often, as I'm scrolling through stuff to trash, a subject line will catch my eye.

This morning, sticking out from amongst the Nigerian scams, Viagra ads and stock tips for companies that don't exist, was this little ditty:

"Would you like a mile-sized penis?"

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Let's ponder this for a minute. Can you even imagine having a dick that was 5,280 feet long? With a penis like that you could wrap yourself (and a friend) inside of it like a coccoon for warmth. You would be constantly tripping over yourself. So would your neighbors! And unfortunately, you could probably never get an erection because you most certainly would pass out.

Of course, the subject line doesn't say "mile-long;" just "mile-sized." Maybe they meant "mile-high." That's even worse!

Let's pursue the copy of this masterpiece, shall we? Copy in quotations, my comments after each quote.

"Do you know why Katherine the Great liked to fuck with her horse?"

Uhhh..because he was really gullible?

"Right, because of the size of his dick."

Oh, F*CK her horse, not F*CK WITH her horse. Sorry.

"If you had taken Advanced Gain Pro at that time..."

...You would now be over 250 years old.

"...you could have been her lover too."

Really? That's all it would have taken to shtup Katherine the Great? A mile-sized dick caused by a nutritional supplement that wouldn't be invented for nearly three centuries? DAMN! Those 18th-century Russians had all the fun. One question though: would the horse be pissed off? Last thing you wanna do when you're buck-naked with a mile-long hard-on, trying to get it to stay hard without passing out while you're doing royalty is to have the horse in the room get angry. Then you're using your dick to lasso it...

"Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills..."

Are you KIDDING me? What a name...

"... are prepared by a proprietary method
that combines 100% natural ingredients formulated according
to the principles of Chinese Herbal Medicine. "

A little tiger penis here, a little rhino horn there...

I love the name Pro Penis. Like there are professional fornicators out there, and YOU CAN BE ONE OF THEM!

I've never had anyone pay me for the use of my penis. A couple standing ovations, but no money. So does that make me an amateur?

"http://www.tirtonest.com/h/s/?GInN6mqEmiO4o"

I'm not gonna go there, but you can if you want.

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I will be at Coppercon this weekend in Tempe, playing music, hawking CDs and doing skiffy things.
No concert scheduled but I'll hit the circles, for sure.

TT

A GOOD SATURDAY

I had a damn-near full house for my gig on Saturday. Sold three CDs, got some tips, so all told it was a good gig!

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Gotta start plugging my new CD a little harder. I've been selling more of the first one lately. That's fine, but I LIKE the second CD better. I hope I'm not alone on that.

TT

NO, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I RATE.

This was in yesterday's Arizona Republic. I had nothing to do with it and I don't know who did. (Click the article to read it.)





Now, I know what you're thinking. It's the same thing I was thinking last night.


Who the hell is Bo Bice?

Seriously, I don't know how this came about but I certainly appreciate it! Now do what the article says and come see me tomorrow night! 8 p.m. Also on the docket are a Celtic band and another songwriter but I'm going first so show up early.

Amazing...

TT

A LITTLE REASSURING INFORMATION...

I've just returned from a life-threatening trip into the bowels of her iTunes site, and I can tell you without a doubt that what I discovered is definitely worth it:

I AM A BETTER SINGER THAN PARIS HILTON.

No question. I am goddamned Pavarotti compared to Paris Hilton.

Come to think of it, YOU, whoever you are, are a better singer than Paris Hilton.

My DOG is a better singer than Paris Hilton.

The Paris Hilton, the hotel, is a better singer than Paris Hilton.

Dig into your couch until you find a nickel. That metallic image of Thomas Jefferson, right now, Is a better singer than Paris Hilton. Monticello? On the back? It's FAR AND AWAY singing better, at this very moment than Paris Hilton.

Popcorn.

A can of Pledge.

Cremains.

Cremains that have already been scattered in the ocean.

All are better singers than Paris Hilton.

Her 15 minutes are now officially, signed-sealed-and-delivered up.

Go away, Paris Hilton. Woof.

TT

WAIT! I KNOW!

Has it dawned on anybody that the real reason that Paramount just broke off their 14 million dollar contract with Tom Cruise might possibly be that it suddenly occurred to the powers that be at Paramount that TOM CRUiSE CANT F#$*%ING ACT???!!!!???

He is the Steve Miller of movies. I can't understand why anybody likes him. HE. CAN. NOT. ACT.

Worst part of "Rainman?" Tom Cruise.
Worst part of "A Few Good Men?" Tom Cruise.
Worst part of "Legend?" Well, okay, the whole movie.
Worst part of "Magnolia?" The raining frogs, but after that, Tom Cruise.
Risky Business? Everybody's allowed one. That's his.

CAN. NOT. ACT.
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"South Park" did to the Mormons tonight what they did to the Scientologists a few months ago, but oddly enough, the Mormons kinda sorta come out on top at the end of the show. Weird.

TT

WOW! PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS!

Somebody posted a comment that I didn't mention how my "stupid gig" (his/her words, not mine) in Peoria went a few weeks back.

It went fine! But several old people who are afraid that Jesus will kill them and send them to hell if they laugh left after my first song. My wife couldn't resist -- she followed them out to the lobby and heard them bitching and moaning about my choice of material.

Those who stayed -- most of them -- LOVED ME. That's the first time I ever noticed people leaving, though.

Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to book me between two acts who played mostly inspirational and religious songs.

Can't wait to go back though.

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Speaking of gigs, I'm opening Saturday night at Fiddler's Dream, 17th St. and Glendale at 8 p.m. Be there. I'm funnier when there's an audience.

TT

ONE BANANA, TWO BANANA, THREE BANANA, STOP.

Here's one for the obscure obituary department:

Jeffrey Brock, real name Jeff Winkless, died on June 26.

You have no idea who this is but if you're over 40 you saw him every Saturday for years.

He played Fleegle on "The Banana Splits". On camera. Paul Winchell was the voice, of course.

He's survived by his wife and his brothers, Bingo and Drooper. (This is true. His brothers were the guys in the B&D suits.)

Not a bad legacy, eh?

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Incidentally, while I've only heard parts of it, apparently one of the great ignored albums of the 1960s is the Banana Splits soundtrack LP. The band playing the songs were the best session men in L.A. at the time; the vocalists had all had hits fronting other groups, and the songs were apparently chosen because they were GOOD, not because they needed to fill space.

Anybody got a copy of this? I'd love to hear it...

TT

MERRY GO, MERRY GO, MERRY GO -- MISSED IT!

I got one of those e-mails I hate getting -- the too late to do anything about it type. My friend Stephanie Carrico, who runs the Trunk Space on Grand, sends me this note last night to my WORK address, which I didn't see until this morning:

Hey Tom.
I know this is totally last minute but we just found out a couple hours ago. Larry Wildman Fischer is here and will be playing sometime between 9 and 10pm. I thought you might want to know. I can't find your phone number.
Thanks,
Steph


ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!

Had I known, I could've rousted up SCORES of Zappa fans and Dementites for the wildman. But I didn't. I hope SOMEBODY saw him.

All togther now: DOO DOO DOO Merry GO! Merry GO! Merry go round! DOO DOO DOO!

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My new scanner is tres cool.

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So some perv finally admits to killing Jon Benet Ramsey, and the world's biggest "Who gives a shit" story comes to an end.
Actually, since he says it was an "accident," and (as I recall) her body was found bound, gagged, partially naked and sexually abused, it's going to be interesting to hear this guy's sick slapstick explanation of how that constitutes an "accident." And couldn't he have 'fessed up before the girl's mom died?

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Thanks to my friend JD Madrid I now have a myspace music page. At the moment it only has one song on it. Myspace seems to have some problems reading my songs. Or maybe they just don't like them.

Anyway, the site (still under construction, obviously) is www.myspace.com/tomtuerffmusic

TT

BLIND NUDE VOLLEYBALL, ANYONE?

Last Saturday was the evening of an annual party that is held every year by a group of our friends. This was party number 25. It marks the formation of said group, called Daystar Holt, which was originally formed back in August, 1981 as a fan club for a then active comic book called Elfquest. (It's now still SORTA sporadically active...long story). Anyway, we all had other interests as well, and each of us had brought various hobbies and activities to the group, which we inflicted on each other. As the comic grew less important, we found we had lots of other things that we liked to do together.

I stand at least partially responsible for turning most of the group into nudists, or at least people who are happy and unashamed to doff their duds before jumping in the pool or getting a massage. There was plenty of both last weekend. Our friends Pete and Donna (who have the biggest back yard, and have graciously hosted these things for more years now than I can count) christened their new pool deck and newly-resurfaced pool with a fine party.

Pot luck as always, there was plenty of good food and then it was off to the pool for a rather vigorous (compared to other years recently) round of what has become known as "Blind, Nude Volleyball." Here are the rules.

1. Get in the pool. You can be nude if you want, but that's not the point. In fact, this year, shirts outnumbered skins about 2-1.
2. You will notice various floating items in the pool -- beach balls, 6-foot rafts, four-foot inflatable animals, water-saturated balls, discs, flying things, etc. Grab one.
3. Throw it at somebody. It should be someone on the other end of the pool, but it doesn't have to be.
4. Points are scored whenever you feel like it.
5. The more you hit somebody, the funnier it is.
6. Play ends when everybody gets tired.
7. Nobody wins, so everybody wins.

Note: The blind part comes from the fact that when most of us take our glasses off, we can't see a damn thing. It only gets worse after dark.

Anyway, after that, I got my massage table out of the car and went to work on three people, all of whom seemed to be much relaxed and appreciative afterward.

People were lamenting that we are all getting older, which tends to end the parties sooner. Or make them less peppy. I remember one particular party in 1994,where just about all of us wound up painted head to toe with poster paint. This was a heck of a lot of fun but has yet to be repeated, to any great extent. I knew we were really getting older a couple years ago when we hired a TOPLESS FIRE EATER (okay, she was a LITTLE late) for entertainment and two people nodded off.

However, we will no doubt continue doing this because we like each other's company, it's a chance to get goofy, and nowadays, lord knows we need more goofy.

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I bought a scanner last week that you can feed negatives into from the top. I'll let you know how it works when I set it up.

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My wife's dance troupe, Natium, went to Flagstaff on Saturday to dance at a fundraiser. They almost got rained out (it was in the town square) but almost like GOD wanted to see bellydancers, it stopped raining right at their appointed time so they were able to do their show. And at the same time, they got out of this godforesaken heat for a day.

You really need to see Natium. They're endlessly entertaining. You can do so at Big Daddy's, Union Hills east of the I-17, on Aug. 26. That is, if you're not at MY gig, at Fiddler's Dream, at 8 p.m. I'll remind you again later.

TT

"HOGWASH" OR BULLSH*T?

If you have ventured outside in the last week or so, you no doubt have seen signs throughout Arizona that say:


PROP 204 is HOGWASH:

So I went to their site (prop204.com) and I read it.

I can see why they would be upset.

It would be nice if SOMEWHERE on their site they actually PUBLISHED the PROPOSITION they're so damned angry about!

Here it is (I found it elsewhere):

PROPOSITION 204
I-07-2006; HUMANE TREATMENT OF FARM ANIMALS ACT

ANALYSIS BY LEGISLATIVE COUNCIL



Beginning January 1, 2013, Proposition 204 would amend the Arizona criminal code to make it a class 1 misdemeanor to tether or confine a pig during pregnancy or a calf raised for veal on a farm for all or the majority of a day in a manner that prevents the animal from lying down and fully extending its limbs or turning around freely. The law would not apply to:
1. Pigs or calves during transportation.
2. Pigs or calves in rodeo exhibitions, state or county fair exhibitions or other similar exhibitions.
3. The lawful slaughter of pigs or calves.
4. Pigs or calves involved in lawful scientific or agricultural research.
5. Pigs or calves while undergoing an examination, test, treatment or operation for veterinary purposes.
6. A pig during the seven day period before the pig's expected date of giving birth.

Proposition 204 would tentatively establish an enforcement and administration fund consisting of fines, penalties and other monies generated by the enforcement of this proposition and donations made to the fund. This fund would only be fully implemented if a court ultimately determined that creation of this fund is required by a separate state law dealing with the funding of programs created by a vote of the people.

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The Ranchers have a point. We don't NEED this. As they point out on the Prop 204 website, veal is not produced in AZ, which is half of the proposition. All of these proposed new practices are pretty much being followed now by ranchers and cattlemen in the state.

Plus all the money is being supplied by radical animal groups. I don't like radical groups of any type. Which is why I'm not a Republican.

Pointless proposition. Don't vote for it.

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While I'm on this, there are TWO anti-smoking bills on the docket for November with SHADES of difference: 201 and 206.
201 is worth having. 206 is being supported by the Tobacco companies and has PILES of advertising behind it already. Don't be fooled. The AD guy is telling you to IGNORE the ADS.

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I drove all the way to Tucson for a gig and had an audience of two. While I did make $30 I spent a lot more than that on a hotel room.

Not helping matters any was that I sent promotional fliers to the coffeehouse a few days beforehand and they were returned to me yesterday; apparently the mailman couldn't find the place. Odd, because the address on the envelope is the very same address on the door of the place. I checked three times.

However, it was nice to drive to Tucson. They've been getting rain. The drive to Tucson from Picacho Peak south was so green I thought I was lost for a second.

TT